Hello there.. I can feel you hurting... My friend I think your suffering from depression with a big dose of anxiety that stays with it... Believe it or not,,with certain forms of depression and anxiety, the worse thing you can do is smoke marijuana.. I believe wholeheartedly in medical marijuana and am for the legalization of ganja, and am a smoker. This does not mean that the herb will cure all ailments. Intelligent people often feel like you do,, Its a symptom of knowing a little too much, seeing a little more than most... Bless and take care...d