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Apr-03-2007, 16:17
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The American Dream Revisited
I wrote this today. Let me know what you think.
The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a kid gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor takes away his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenDennehy
It was fucking awful, a sort of tortured sound, like a sheet of paper being ripped in half and it finished up with a bubbling, squeaky sound.
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Poetry of a mad man:
Finite Fantasy
The American Dream Revisited
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Apr-03-2007, 18:17
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Join Date: Oct-05-2006
Posts: 243
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YES! I love poetry which mocks our government. Very nice, keep going
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im a funky not a junky but i know where to get it
asphyxiation kills braincells, plants dont
Dont hate the ignorant, its not their fault, I was ignorant once, but now i have seen the light
smoke great quantities of great quality.
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Apr-03-2007, 19:54
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awesome. I like it. You should keep it going.
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SMOKE WEED.
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Apr-03-2007, 19:57
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Join Date: Feb-11-2007
Posts: 879
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that was good rep plus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oneironaut
Well then what's your problem? If you feel uncomfortable being naked around people unless it's for sex, then just have sex with the other guys in the locker room. Duh.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orange floyd
wait. so your some guy wiht a shitty marriage who has a crush on someone from a message board?
wow. youre cool
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Originally Posted by Light It Up
I used to know a guy who told me he used to be a phone sex operator, he just talked in a girl's voice.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenport
Silly pigs, weed is for humans!
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Apr-03-2007, 19:58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scream
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
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fuckin pro.
make a song out of it. |
Apr-03-2007, 20:16
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The rhythm of the piece is muddled in a spot or two, but for the most part it is pretty good. It has strong imagery tied to strong emotions. You got what it takes, keep working on it. 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Greenjeans
It was like Sophie's Choice, except without the good actors and social relevance.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 420_24/7
Everyone knows that we celebrate christmas to remember how santa died for our presents
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Apr-03-2007, 20:32
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thanks guys, here's take 2
The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a little boy gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor erases his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenDennehy
It was fucking awful, a sort of tortured sound, like a sheet of paper being ripped in half and it finished up with a bubbling, squeaky sound.
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Poetry of a mad man:
Finite Fantasy
The American Dream Revisited
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Apr-03-2007, 21:25
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Banned
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Join Date: Apr-20-2006
Posts: 2,023
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Really good, but the take two didn't really improve where it was needed.
Try improving line 4 or 5, maybe have five rhyme with 7 and 4 with 3?
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Apr-04-2007, 22:13
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It's getting there. I think lines six and seven are the main problem. Other than that I really like this poem. Keep up the good work.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Greenjeans
It was like Sophie's Choice, except without the good actors and social relevance.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 420_24/7
Everyone knows that we celebrate christmas to remember how santa died for our presents
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Apr-06-2007, 05:13
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THe ReSiDeNT GHoST
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Join Date: Jun-11-2004
Posts: 8,099
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Nice, you've obviously got a talent here.. But I can't resist giving you some constructive criticism, hehe..
Like previous posters have said, the words are sound but the rhythm is a best suspect. The first two lines seem to be losely written in an iambic pentameter but then the following lines don't seem to follow any discernable meter at all. This gives a slight awkwardness to the rhythm of the poem and makes it difficult to follow. You don't have to know alot about the workings of poetry to fix this, just try and make sure that the over all rhythm of each line fits in. Do you listen to rap, by any chance?
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