Cannabis.com Forums Message Boards - Medical Marijuana,  Cannabis Club, Dispensary, News

Go Back   Cannabis.com Forums Message Boards - Medical Marijuana, Cannabis Club, Dispensary, News > Interests and Off Topic > CANNABIS.COM Lounge
FORUM HOME Members List Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Cannabis FAQs Cannabis Club Directory

CANNABIS.COM Lounge Friendly Talk Lounge for the MMJ patient and life

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 16:17
Registered+
 
Join Date: Nov-18-2005
Posts: 643
scream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the rough
The American Dream Revisited

I wrote this today. Let me know what you think.

The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a kid gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor takes away his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenDennehy View Post
It was fucking awful, a sort of tortured sound, like a sheet of paper being ripped in half and it finished up with a bubbling, squeaky sound.
Poetry of a mad man:
Finite Fantasy
The American Dream Revisited
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 18:17
funky not a junky's Avatar
Registered+
 
Join Date: Oct-05-2006
Posts: 243
funky not a junky is on a distinguished road
YES! I love poetry which mocks our government. Very nice, keep going
__________________
im a funky not a junky but i know where to get it

asphyxiation kills braincells, plants dont

Dont hate the ignorant, its not their fault, I was ignorant once, but now i have seen the light

smoke great quantities of great quality.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 19:54
make it legal's Avatar
Registered+
 
Join Date: May-23-2006
Posts: 1,555
make it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of lightmake it legal is a glorious beacon of light
awesome. I like it. You should keep it going.
__________________
SMOKE WEED.

Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 19:57
Registered+
 
Join Date: Feb-11-2007
Posts: 879
420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light420marijuana420 is a glorious beacon of light
that was good rep plus
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oneironaut View Post
Well then what's your problem? If you feel uncomfortable being naked around people unless it's for sex, then just have sex with the other guys in the locker room. Duh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by orange floyd View Post
wait. so your some guy wiht a shitty marriage who has a crush on someone from a message board?

wow. youre cool
Quote:
Originally Posted by Light It Up View Post
I used to know a guy who told me he used to be a phone sex operator, he just talked in a girl's voice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenport View Post
Silly pigs, weed is for humans!
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 19:58
Emmm's Avatar
Registered
 
Join Date: Feb-05-2007
Posts: 45
Emmm is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by scream View Post
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
fuckin pro.

make a song out of it.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 20:16
GreenLadyOfDankDowns's Avatar
Registered+
 
Join Date: Mar-14-2007
Posts: 602
GreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to all
The rhythm of the piece is muddled in a spot or two, but for the most part it is pretty good. It has strong imagery tied to strong emotions. You got what it takes, keep working on it.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Greenjeans View Post
It was like Sophie's Choice, except without the good actors and social relevance.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 420_24/7 View Post
Everyone knows that we celebrate christmas to remember how santa died for our presents
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 20:32
Registered+
 
Join Date: Nov-18-2005
Posts: 643
scream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the roughscream is a jewel in the rough
thanks guys, here's take 2

The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a little boy gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor erases his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenDennehy View Post
It was fucking awful, a sort of tortured sound, like a sheet of paper being ripped in half and it finished up with a bubbling, squeaky sound.
Poetry of a mad man:
Finite Fantasy
The American Dream Revisited
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old Apr-03-2007, 21:25
Inferius's Avatar
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr-20-2006
Posts: 2,023
Inferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of lightInferius is a glorious beacon of light
Really good, but the take two didn't really improve where it was needed.
Try improving line 4 or 5, maybe have five rhyme with 7 and 4 with 3?
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old Apr-04-2007, 22:13
GreenLadyOfDankDowns's Avatar
Registered+
 
Join Date: Mar-14-2007
Posts: 602
GreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to allGreenLadyOfDankDowns is a name known to all
It's getting there. I think lines six and seven are the main problem. Other than that I really like this poem. Keep up the good work.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Greenjeans View Post
It was like Sophie's Choice, except without the good actors and social relevance.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 420_24/7 View Post
Everyone knows that we celebrate christmas to remember how santa died for our presents
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old Apr-06-2007, 05:13
GHoSToKeR's Avatar
THe ReSiDeNT GHoST
 
Join Date: Jun-11-2004
Posts: 8,099
GHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of lightGHoSToKeR is a glorious beacon of light
Nice, you've obviously got a talent here.. But I can't resist giving you some constructive criticism, hehe..

Like previous posters have said, the words are sound but the rhythm is a best suspect. The first two lines seem to be losely written in an iambic pentameter but then the following lines don't seem to follow any discernable meter at all. This gives a slight awkwardness to the rhythm of the poem and makes it difficult to follow. You don't have to know alot about the workings of poetry to fix this, just try and make sure that the over all rhythm of each line fits in. Do you listen to rap, by any chance?
__________________

WARNING

Posts (When High)
May Appear Funnier Than They Actually Are
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are On
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:00.


Page generated in 0.14546 seconds with 8 queries