Post By Mally C.
For Women Only: Substitution Guide and Tips
I had an imminent pre placement drug test that I found out about with two weeks in advance. Thinking I had time to flush my system out, I started a rigorous high fiber diet to redirect metabolites elimination to the colon instead of the bladder. I bought several home tests which I continued to fail even after the 15 day mark. I've been smoking for 8+ years on a regular basis. So, on to plan B.
I researched substitution extensively, mainly from the the norml website, several different forums, this website drug testing vaults and the Abbie Hoffman book. There's not a lot of detailed information in regards to women, asides from the obvious choice of concealing the container inside the vaginal cavity to maintain the right temperature of the sample.
Here's what worked for me.
-2 oz hand sanitizer bottle with cap that can be screwed on (this is important, you don't want it to make a sound when you open it)
-a clean sample donor
-a little bit of personal lubricant
-a digital thermometer
-disposable plastic cups
Two days before the test I did several test runs. I washed out the hand sanitizer bottle, filled it with hot water and put a little bit of lube on and inserted it cap side down.
It should feel comfortable enough to walk around and sit down, as you can be in the waiting room for a while. Kept it in for two hours, removed it, poured the water into a plastic cup and measured the temperature. It read 96.4. Perfect. They are looking for the sample to be between 90 and 100 degrees. Next step is peeing a little into the bowl for extra credibility, and inserting the empty container back in. You don't want to come out with any bumps in your clothing that weren't there before. Repeat this process as many times as it takes for you to get comfortable
with it. The whole thing shouldn't take more than 3 or 4 minutes.
The day of the test:
Packed a fresh sample from my clean donor. Disinfected the outside of the bottle with the spray. Put a little bit of lube on and inserted it. Wore grannie panties, for extra control, high wasted pants and a white blouse. Also wore sandals. I think it's worth mentioning this since I wanted to look like I had no place to hide anything. I got called and the nurse asked me to wash my hands in the outside sink, and if there was anything in my pockets. She handed me a cup and said to give her "what I can", which I found pretty amusing. The bathroom itself was void of mirrors, had no sink, the water in the bowl was colored blue and there was a small rack on which you could rest the cup. The cup had a temperature strip.
So I went in, looked around for any hidden viewing spots (paranoia runs deep). Obviously there weren't any, it's just a lab that works with tons of companies and their preventive measures are making the individual wash their hands for any hidden chemicals in the fingernails, coloring the toiled water to prevent sample dilution, asking you not to flush and checking for the right temperature. So, I pulled the pants down, took container out, poured sample in cup, peed a little in the bowl, threw the toilet paper in there, inserted container back in and calmly went out and handed the cup back to the nurse. She checked the temperature, poured a third of the sample in a sealed container, took the rest back to the bathroom where she emptied the cup and checked that I hadn't flushed. I washed my hands. Signed a few papers that allowed them to disclose the info. Put my initials on the container and went on my merry way.
I cannot emphasize how important practice is for this method to work. You need to know what you are doing, get familiar with the procedure. Once you get the nurse to accept the sample, you are all set.
Other things I tried that didn't work:
-Using a non-lubricated rinsed out reservoir tipped condom. Filled it with hot water, closed it off with a zip tie. Not even half hour in I felt a leak. It had burst. I liked the control of a hard sided container much better. No leaks at all.
-Getting clean in a 15 day period. Again, I'm 134 lbs, 5'5", not doing a lot of exercise these days but I'm not overweight by any means and eat pretty healthy.
One last tip, get those dip stick tests, they are dirt cheap. Don't keep wondering if you are gonna test clean. Find out for yourself so you can plan accordingly.
Also, keep in mind that urinalysis is unfair to people that consume cannabis. That kind of test can detect pot use long after the actual thc is out of your system, as it tests for metabolites that adhere to fat cells and stay with you for a while. It won't detect any hard drug use, as those are usually undetectable after 3 o 4 days through urine. I personally believe a saliva test is more fair, as the detecting time window is pretty much the same for all drugs, up to a week. Plenty of enough time to prepare yourself.
This guide can only gonna help with pre-placement drug tests, when you are not being observed, for obvious reasons. I hope this helps, good luck.
Me personally was never a fan of using condoms for subbing, due to their susceptibility to failure. Mini travel-size shampoo bottles (which are sold unfilled at some major chain retail stores) are far more durable.
As far as checking temp, "stick-on" baby forehead temp strips (sold at most chain pharmacy stores) work wonders. They are identical to the temp strips used by the collection sites and are accurate enough to merit continued use by the collection sites. Just stick the temp strip on your sub bottle, and thats one less item that you have to carry inside the bathroom stall with you (eg; a digital thermometer)
Last edited by Burnt Toast; Apr-04-2012 at 18:32.
Thanks for the shampoo bottle advice, I'll definitely try it next time. But no, I didn't take the thermometer in with me, it made a beeping noise. I only used it for practice at home to see what the temp was after two hours and if it was consistent. (And it was)
I am female and have subbed several times....all successful. I don't even worry with inserting it...simply because I use the bottles provided with the synthetic and that would be awkward. Plus I have started using 3 oz bottles instead of 2 oz....they seem to like it better when you give them a little more than required. So I use the hand warmers...2 pairs of granny panties...a thin maxi pad and tight jeans with my shirt tucked in. You put on first pair of grannies...then the second...put the maxi in the second pair...put the bottle in the second grannies on top of the pad...But actually even better is some of the boy cut panties have a little pocket in the crotch....you can put the bottle in the pocket...and ditch the maxi and second pair of grannies....but if it is too tight in the pocket you risk fumbling and dropping it. The worst problem I have run into was getting it a little too warm...put the hand warmers on it...and not enough time had elapsed...talk about swish swish BLOW swish swish BLOW until it went down to 100.....whew!
Hey, I just posted a thread about this, but then found this one. Quick question: Is there any way that after transporting my handy-dandy shampoo bottle in my hoo-hah for 2 1/2 hours, it won't be warm enough?
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