Monkey Whizz for Dummies

Discussion in 'Drug Testing' started by Robin Tarr, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. Robin Tarr

    Robin Tarr Registered

    I have a friend who is a wee little birdy named Robin. Robin told me an interesting story yesterday.

    It seems Robin, who is a bit of an idiot, was nice enough to allow her friend stay with her while she was visiting the US from Mexico. Everything was fine until Robin’s “friend,” decided to use meth. Suddenly Robin’s friend became very unstable, and the situation escalated until Robin’s friend began to beat her innocent young daughter. Robin was forced to call the police, and the daughter was taken by CPS. This was a horrible event for Robin to witness, and Robin was distraught. Unfortunately, Robin’s own children were also in the house during this event, and were traumatized by seeing Robin’s “friend,” weeping and screaming as her child was taken into custody.

    Robin’s “friend,” thought an appropriate course of revenge would be to file a false report with CPS against Robin, trying to get her children taken away from her. It would have been no problem since all of the allegations were easy to prove untrue, except for the fact that Robin enjoyed eating hemp seeds on occasion. When CPS questioned Robin, she admitted to eating hemp seeds one time, so there was an explanation as to why her test would come back dirty. Robin passed her saliva test, but the urine test showed a very small amount of THC. Robin had never been so scared in her life, but the caseworker was pacified by her honesty, and assured her everything would be ok.

    Four months passed, and Robin’s case was about to be closed. Except right before the case was closed, Robin was asked to take a pop urine test. Robin was not expecting this, and was not prepared. I guess Robin is not very smart, as she had eaten more hemp seeds, most likely due to stress. When she got the news that she had to test again, her life flashed before her eyes, and she thought for sure she would lose her children, her one true source of mental stability. Robin didn’t know what to do.

    Then Robin’s friend introduced her to his uncle, who was a monkey named Sam. He was able to provide Robin with some of his Whizz, and it was Serious Business. Robin was more scared than EVER of this Monkey Whizz, because she had never taken a risk like this, and had read online both encouraging stories and terrifying stories about the success of Monkey Whizz. It seemed the main problem with it was the temperature, and Robin wasn’t very good at handling such matters under pressure. But she had no choice. She procured the sample, and made a plan.

    As I said, Robin is not very smart and tends to rebel against authority, and the pressure catalyzed her eating more hemp seeds than ever before, so the urgency to use the monkey’s sample was higher than ever, but Robin was a pessimist, and assumed she was headed straight to birdy jail that day, on felony charges. But she did it anyway. It was a risk, but the reward was great, so she felt she had no choice.

    But she did NOT do a very good job not acting like a full-fledged idiot. Robin wrapped the band with the bag containing the sample around her chest high up, concealed beneath her ample, yet firm, crimsom breast(s). It was high up enough to be mistaken for a strapless bra, as long as no one looked directly at it. The temperature strip was directly against Robin’s feathers. She waited 45 minutes, saw that the temp was almost up to the desired 98, and left for the 30 minute journey to the clinic, thinking the entire time that she was headed to birdy prison. She tried the entire time to focus on music and practice deep breathing, but she could not stop shaking and felt it would be obvious she was up to something because why else would she be shaking so badly.

    When she arrived at the clinic, the temp was still a little low so she waited in the car, a block from the clinic, occosionally checking the temp until she made it to the hot spot. Then she saw it was at 100, and sorta panicked. She took the heating pad off of it, and went in to the clinic and signed in.

    It seems the thermometer doesn’t show as accurate a reading if it changes temperature too quickly, because it was all blurry when she went into the bathroom to check. She decided to put the heating pad back on it. She started to come up with a backup plan since she had already signed in. She went up to the counter and told them she was sick and very dehydrated, and asked what would happen if she couldn’t provide urine, and was told it would count as a refusal. That did not help with the problem of the shaking. Her stupidity increased, and after a few minutes she went back into the bathroom, AGAIN, to check the temp. The thermometer was unreadable, but might have read at about 99. This time she acted super fast in the reading, and grabbed a wad of toilet paper as a cover. She walked out blowing her nose so they would think she only went in there to grab tissue. Then she walked to the counter and asked for Kleenex so they would be reassured that she was only going into the bathroom for tissue. They probably thought she was actively doing lines, though, which made poor Robin shake all the more.

    Finally, they called Robin’s name, and she felt like she was about to have projectile vomit. She tried to calm down, and told her self if she didn’t get a grip that her life was veritably over. She took some discreet deep breaths, and faced the music.

    She put her purse in the drawer as requested, and walked into the room of doom, the stall of thrall, and prayed as she quickly lifted her baggy sweater and filled the cup with uncle’s magic whizz. When she clipped the clip it made a sound so loud she thought it might shatter every window in the building. Since she’s an idiot, she forgot to cough to cover it. No one asked any questions about the sound, though.

    She stepped out, joked about how hard it is to remember to not flush, and handed over her sample. The clinician did not sniff it like a psycopath, and poured into the smaller container, and had Robin sign it with her shaking script. The clinician said she would get the sample cleared through her supervisor, and Robin went to the lobby to wait and quietly die a thousand times.

    Then Robin’s name was called. The sample had been accepted. Robin had heard that the sample being accepted was 90% of the battle. Robin said her goodbyes and got the hell out of there before she fainted.

    Now Robin is waiting to hear the result, or not hear anything which would also be good. What do you guys think? Do you think Robin is in the clear?
     
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  2. EvilCartman

    EvilCartman Registered+

    Robin sounds like Bob Dole. o_O

    I wonder what Batman is up to?
     
  3. Weezard

    Weezard Registered+

    No worries, Robin will pass in the third person.
     
  4. Pupp

    Pupp Registered+

    That story was too long. In any event, if I recall, seeds don't have any THC in them, even if it was from a marijuana plant. Although the seeds might have to be washed to get off any residual stuff that might have THC in it.
     

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