My wife doesn't know I use cannabis.

Discussion in 'CANNABIS.COM Lounge' started by jsn9333, May 8, 2008.

  1. jsn9333

    jsn9333 Registered+

    I am in a very messed up situation. Maybe some of the older members of the board can give me some advice from a toker's perspective, since I don't have any good friends that smoke that I can talk to. Please try to be mature as you read and respond as this is a very real, very painful, and very personal situation.

    My wife doesn't know I smoke weed. If she asked me then I would tell her, because I would never lie to her. But she doesn't even suspect and I've never given her any reason to ask me. I'm thinking I need to tell her soon (or quit soon), but I want to give you some background and ask for advice.

    Even though, at least at this point, I honestly believe our marriage was a mistake, I believe that no marriage is perfect and if we work on things we can make it work. I feel that I made vows to her and I have an obligation to her to always try to make the marriage work.

    I don't know for sure whether or not she will kick me out of the house, but I guarantee if (or when) I tell her I want to use cannabis she is going to FLIP OUT. She is going to be mad as hell, she will probably call her parents and ask what to do... she very well might kick me out of the house and institute divorce proceedings. We've been married over two years. We don't have any children.

    We were both raised in ultra-conservative Christian homes. We met and got married all in like 9 months. We were taught that in order to have sex you have to be married.... so there you go. LOL. By the way, I've now looked into the Bible myself (what a bright idea!) and the New Testament says nothing about having to marry your girlfriend in order to have sex with her. Needless to say, I've changed a lot since we got married, and she has not. (And yes, in case you are wondering, I was almost the 30 year old virgin... though I have dated a lot of women, they all have been the type that were "waiting for marriage", and I always obliged).

    Anyway, you may not be surprised to find out that we have had a tough time at the marriage thing on many, many different levels... whether it be sexual, emotional, etc. She didn't want to go to counseling at first, but now that we've been married two years she has finally agreed to go with me. So we've been going to professional counseling... which has been good so far, but we have a ton of work to do.

    The first time I smoked (since I was like 13 years old) was about 6 months after we got married. I was 27 years old, and I decided to smoke in order to escape from the stress at home. I had felt let down by the morals I was raised to believe in, and I decided to rebel against them. However, now I've realized that the plant is actually not an evil, illegal drug to use to "escape" reality, but is truly a medical and spiritual blessing from God that simply enhances life's reality.

    I didn't want to talk to her about weed during the school year because I just finished my first year in law school, and I don't need to be getting kicked out of my house mid-semester. Plus she is a teacher and didn't need to be dealing with this during that time either. However, now I am just in one summer school class and she is "tracked out" from year-round school for the next 3 weeks. I feel like I have to decide to either tell her now that I am going to be a partaking in cannabis now and again or I need to quit.

    Honestly, at this point I feel like our marriage is so difficult that if she leaves me over this... then so be it. I am not going to leave her, and I will do my best to comfort her and help her to understand. But, if she says, "choose either me or the weed," I feel like that would be the same thing as saying, "choose either me or listening to music." No one should have to make that choice... so I will not make it. I don't feel like I have an obligation to quit cannabis if that is what it comes down to.

    So as it stands, I'm planning to tell her I use cannabis in the next few days (maybe in the next week) and deal with the hell that will follow. Do you have any advice? Do you think that is the right thing to do?
  2. Reefer Rogue

    Reefer Rogue Registered+

    Honesty and trust are vital in any working relationship, my advice is to prepare yourself for the worst. You're living in secrecy, you're not being yourself. Tell her and attempt to persuade her it's not as bad as the media and government claim. There are plenty of studies that are pro cannabis. If she does ask you to make that choice then i wouldn't choose her, she should accept you for who you are, if cannabis makes you happy, then smoke it, regardless of anyone. You may be married but you should 'live for yourself, there's no one else more worth living for.'
    Last edited: May 8, 2008
  3. L Rag

    L Rag Registered+

    Pretty much what Reefer said dude. I really feel for you bro, but you gotta tell her sooner or later. She WILL find out if you don't tell her, and it's better she knows from you. But yeah you already know this, so just... I dunno, there's not much you can do. Give her the facts about weed. If she loves you she should accept you for who you are. And what you do defines who you are. Not much more I can say, other than good luck, I'm hoping for the best dude.. Peace :)
  4. Greenthing

    Greenthing Registered+

    Do you think that your not telling her about your Smoking is giving you a guilt complex about your marriage and causing you to have problems in the relationship.:)
    If so maybe you should come clean.
  5. jsn9333

    jsn9333 Registered+

    I don't think guilt has anything to do with it. I started smoking cannabis because of the massive problems in our marriage... as a temporary escape, if you will. I don't believe it has caused the problems... we had very serious problems in our marriage from day one, literally.

    I continue to smoke not as an escape, but just because I enjoy it and see it as a blessing. I'm not running from our problems, in fact I have finally persuaded my wife recently to go to counseling with me so we can attack our issues head on. I just feel like I've now decided that cannabis is a good thing, and that I want it to be part of my life. So I need to tell her... if she is going to be part of my life. Or I need to quit... I'm going to do one or the other in the next week or two.

  6. NextLineIsMine

    NextLineIsMine Registered+

    It sounds like you need to take some serious time to think out your next steps very carefully. I dont think cannabis has all that much to do with this. You just need to decide whether you truely want to be with her or not and its far better you decide this now than letting some relationship play out before your eyes with no input from you.

    If she would actually be that devestated and unsure whether she wanted to be with you over a factor as small as smoking you have to wonder how deeply her love really is for you. Does she want you or just someone to be married to?
  7. Greenthing

    Greenthing Registered+

    Sounds like you have made up your mind what you are going to do.
    All i can say is good luck and i hope things turn out ok for both of you's.:)
  8. Storm Crow

    Storm Crow Registered+


    You do have problems, don't you! First off, if you have any medical problems, take a look at the link in my sig.

    She IS going to blow up. She will be in fear of her job- I work in education, so I know. I'd wait until she hits her break. It will give her time to adjust her thinking without the stress of teaching. Teachers tend to be a bit crazy by the end of semester. (Of course, cannabis works well as a stress reliever. :D)

    If you check the bible, I believe right in Genesis, it says God made all plants bearing seed and they were good. If God says it's good, it's fine with me!

    Get on the net and warm up the printer-

    CC11: Cannabis and the Christ: Jesus used Marijuana

    Marijuana and the Bible

    Then google- Jesus, cannabis, kaneh bosm (with all its various spellings)- you'll get even more.

    Lastly, there is a group called "Christians for Cannabis", who may be able to give you some more ideas. Google their name.

    Frankly, love, I wish you two the best, but things are going to be, at best, tough to near impossible. Go see a marriage counselor- preferably one that is not church connected.

  9. Mississippi Steve

    Mississippi Steve Registered+

    There is a lot of good advice on here, but I would remind you that its *YOUR* house, unless her name is on all the bills and the mortgage. Been there, done that[twice]. the first time I ended up with the shirt on my back(almost literally) and $29,000 in debts, the second time I figured out that it was *MY* house, and sent her packing.

    That being said, you need to be up front with her about *EVERYTHING*, and if she can't deal with it, show her the door and start the procedings yourself. You can either work out your problems and have a decent life, or you can start over. Remember that real life doesn't have fairy tale endings.
  10. justanotherbozo

    justanotherbozo Registered

    what granny said

    LOL, i actually went back and copied the link in Storm Crow's signature (thank you, thank you, thank you, awesome, awesome, awesome post and a wonderful resource). my thinking was that you might consider taking the complete list of materiels listed in granny's posting and a few of the articles that seem the most appropriate to your counselor. i would go alone and talk to him/her and explain the situation, maybe they will help explain it to your wife.
    that being said, it sounds like, in your heart, you have already realized that it isn't a marriage if one has to conform to the other. also, if you and your wife were still virgin when you married, then it's not surprising you're having problems. and believe me, i'm no proponent of casual sex with many partners, i'm actually monogomous by nature, what i AM saying is that not everyone is compatible sexually and that may be a contributing factor here.
    there are no easy answers man, follow your heart and pray for God's will, and it isn't God that wants us to stay with someone who makes us unhappy, it's the church and organized religion that vilify divorce, there is NO shame in realizing that things aren't working and will never work and having the courage to start over. remember that if it comes to that, you are both still very young with plenty of time to find someone you would be happy with, and i mean her too, if you're unhappy, she is unhappy.
    thank God there are no children to be harmed by your unhappiness.

    anyway, my heart goes out to you man.

    peace, love, dope
  11. lilpayaso13

    lilpayaso13 Registered+

    mmmm, i read every bit of that. If now you are unhappy with your marrage with her and marijuana makes you feel better about everything, Just get it over with and tell her. If she takes it bad and leaves you, then what have you to lose? Maybe you would be happier alone and with weed. I beleive everyone out there has a match that is perfect for them and has that perfect chemistry. You have said from day 1, there has been problems in your marrage then maybe its for the best that you find that "special someone". So if she chooses the choice that your so afraid about... and leaves you because of the marijuana, So be it. One day you could find the girl that is perfect for you and accepts you for who you are.
    I hope that your outcome of this comes out the way you want it. Peace out my fellow weed smoker :stoned:
  12. Coelho

    Coelho Registered

    Man... thats a tough situation... i dont know what to say about it...

    Anyway... i have a comment on Grannys post... if your wife is such radical Christian like you said, it would be wiser not to show her the things about the Bible, Jesus and Cannabis, cause very probably she would take it as a heresy, a blasphemy, and it would only worsen your situation.
    I think it would be far surer only show her the medical cannabis uses... cause they are science-proven facts, and would not be challenging her religious views.

    And good luck! :thumbsup:
  13. RobPA

    RobPA Registered+

    You are in a rough situation bud! I was engaged to someone for 5 years who dident like the fact that I smoked pot and always gave me shit for it, but when she wanted to smoke it on vacation or randomly everything was O.K. You are who you are, and if the pot is not impacting you-or your marriage in a negative way then I do not see the problem. But tell her the truth ASAP, TRUST ME, lieing about it and not telling is a very very fine line and I never got anywhere by lieing about it. Tell her, I went to a very strict adventist school for most of my life when I was younger and I understand what you mean about the christtian girl thing and the whole stereotype. Good luck and BE HONEST! tell her!
  14. StickyfingahZ

    StickyfingahZ Registered+

    can I ask what church you go to bro.
    Did your church recommend counseling?
  15. birdgirl73

    birdgirl73 Registered+

    That's a tough situation, JSN9333. I admire you for wanting to be honest and open and above board with her.

    I was trying to put myself in your place w/ her. I think if I were in that situation, I might try broaching the subject within the bounds of a counseling session, perhaps, since y'all are already going. I'd also make sure I said, up front and before you break the fact of your smoking to her, that you have been worried to death about telling her and fear that she may use this as a reason to leave you. That's a way of pre-empting and relieving some of the pressure of that topic up front, which is often a good negotiation tactic.

    Another question occurred to me, and I hesitate to ask this but it's worth considering. Are you by any chance bound and determined to tell her now within the next two or three days because on some level--maybe not consciously but down underneath someplace--you're really hoping that this will provoke a falling out and potential separation? Just something to consider about your timing and feeling that this has to be done now.

    I certainly wish you the best of luck.
  16. FreshNugz

    FreshNugz Registered+

    science proven facts are the biggest challenge to religious views. For example, evolution. I'd have to agree with Granny here. I think showing her a connection between MJ and the bible will help her to try and embrace the idea.

    Good luck dude.

    PS. And just from a girl's perspective...we've all had that fight where the man neglects to tell us something because he is convinced that we will flip out on him. Most times women just appreciate the not telling her because she will flip out, you're actually worsening the problem because you didn't give her a chance to react, and just presumed how she would. Even if she's mad at what you said, she will be more forgiving because you were me. This is a common relationship issue...of course people are different, but this situation is one everyone can relate to I think.
  17. L Rag

    L Rag Registered+

    I just gotta say man, I'm feeling the love haha. It's primo that someone can talk about their problems and get such a big response from so many people, this is what its about maaaan... peace :jointsmile:
  18. 8182KSKUSH

    8182KSKUSH Registered+

    Thank god you don't have any kids, don't have kids. Good luck.
  19. jessem98

    jessem98 Registered+

    Honestly? Leave her. You two are not getting along, with "serious problems from day 1". This is very bad in my opinion. If you're going to spend the rest of your life (let me remind you, theres no second life) with a person, you better damn well know that you love her, you can be honest with her, and above all co-exist with her. These things should come naturally, and will, when you meet the person you are destined to be with. I had an old chinese lady tell me something at work which was - you know the love of your life when you would die for that person, they may not feel the same way about you (god forbid) but at least they are happy. I think you sound awesome, very moral oriented, and i respect that which is why it bothers me to read that you are thinking of staying with this person. Take this or leave it, I am just saying what id be thinking and doing if i were in your shoes. Also, (im going to guess) half the reason you wed was because of the sex issue. Being in a relationship and/or finding that one person for you is a serious matter, and to me (off of what i read) you really need to sit down, think about what you want out of your spouse, and see how she lines up. I mean no ones PERFECT, but it sounds like shes kinda far off of what you are looking for.
  20. Coelho

    Coelho Registered

    Well... i said that from my own experience... i was born and rised in a very conservative Christian family, and so i know how it feels to be one of them, and i know how touchy they can get in matters of religion.
    If someone said me that cannabis has several medical uses, i wouldnt care much about this, from a religious viewpoint.
    But if someone said Jesus used to smoke cannabis, i SURELY would be pissed of hear such blasphemy... and wouldnt want to hear anymore about this.
    Also, i actually tried this "biblical" approach to convince someone i know (who also smokes and is a Christian) that smoking is not wrong, but when he heard about this he behaved like if i had said a heresy... so i know what im saying when i say to NOT use this approach with ultra-conservative Christians.
    And what i meant with scientifically proven is that the medical uses of cannabis are FAR more proven than the "theories" (i would say wishful thinkings) about Jesus smoking weed and such, and thus harder to be questioned and/or disbelieved.
    Last edited: May 8, 2008

Share This Page